1. I have an aversion to kissing anyone against my will. This hiccough in my personality started in childhood, like for most kids, when rocking up to family outings and getting the, “Go on, give some relo you haven’t seen since you were in nappies a kiss, there you go,” and my head would end up anointed with dollops of coral lipstick and Brut 33. Hand me a stranger’s baby and I’ll be passing it on to a minder like a hot potato, let me tell you.
2. I am an unmarried, childless woman without religious affiliation. Oh, hang on, that’s not a reason any more.
3. I wouldn’t be able to stop pissing myself laughing in front of the cameras when delivering reassuring platitudes and slogans. After only a few days of campaigning for the upcoming election, I am already shouting and waving my fist at the television when I hear Julia Gillard saying, “Moo-ving Austrayyy-ya For-warrd.” Even if I ousted Bob Brown and was figurehead of the Greens with a rockin’ campaign of “We Can’t Be Beaten” sung to the Rose Tattoo song, I’d still spontaneously combust after half a dozen renditions.
4. My ego is too fragile to be hated automatically by half the population.
5. I would tell media commentators who criticised my wardrobe and hairstyle to go and get fucked. Apparently this kind of language would lose votes.
6. Some people might still have copies of compromising photos of the non-Woman’s Day cover kind.
7. I wouldn’t allocate my preference votes to any other bastard party. I’d be in my party because it was the best and no one has earned my leftovers. This is apparently referred to as dictatorship in some countries.
8. I don’t like flying and my voter base in WA, NT and Qld would have to come and see me to have their babies lined up and kissed by my minders.
9. I wouldn’t wear dicky floral shirts handed out by tropical countries that host world political summits, and I wouldn’t give Akubra hats to leaders of tropical countries who have no use for them any time of year.
10. I’d channel much of the AIS’s budget into cycling and more obscure sports for fun, such as curling, caber tossing and unicycle racing. I also think I’d make Frankston the ferret-racing capital of the world.
11 (bonus reason as point 2 is void). I’d see the Chaser boys outside making mischief and invite them in. But it probably won’t be to chat to the pollies for their (to-be-resurrected) TV show; there may be compromising photos created. It is my election promise there will be no cigars involved or dresses stained.
I’d be entertaining during question time though.
Crank-o-meter: mooo-ving myself for-warrrd slowwww-ly