For fuck’s sake, fuck off
Seriously, I need another day job. I’m getting nothing fucking well done here because of the fuckers who keep ringing and trying to suck money I don’t have out of me and doofuses at the door trying to change my fucking electricity and phone plans on the spot.
I left the front door open to allow the sunlight and fresh air in and it was like open day at the door-to-door harassment olympics. The fuckers were almost elbowing each other to get to my front path. And the fucking idiot with no listening skills from the energy company who tried to order me to find a gas bill (bloody hell, I read ‘em, I pay ‘em, the paper gets sucked into a black hole of bills I’ll never find again, deal with it, I’m not lying to you, total stranger) nearly had a pair of pint-sized dachshunds latched to his throat because he would not shut the fuck up.
I’m already on the Do Not Fucking Well Call and Annoy Me Register and why does this not seem to apply to doorknockers? I’m sitting in a back room now with the door shut and blinds closed because they bloody well peek through the windows if I don’t answer the door. They know. They just know.
And my fuckwit little brother must’ve defaulted on a car loan as some dudes from a debt recovery company in Delhi are calling asking where they might find him. He is going down.
Crank-o-meter: fuckoffity
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Awwww. *hug*
You can put a ‘no door-to-door sales’ sign up and legally they have to stay offa yer land. I looked into this recently because they’re doing exactly the same thing in my area, hundreds of kilometres north of you. Factsheet from Consumer Affairs Vic: http://is.gd/4wHuS
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Get a sign for your front door that says, “I am broke and have swine fle, PMT and guns.”
However, nothing will stop the Mormons except nudity.
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I meant to say “swine flu”. Whatever. You get what I mean.
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:07 pm
UGH! I feel for you.
Thankfully my place is behind a big eff off electric gate thing with a smaller pedestrian gate, they ring the buzzer and I don’t let them in! What they don’t realise is the gate never locks anyway, but I won’t be telling them that secret anytime soon.
They’re SO RUDE and never take no for an answer.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Thanks, PurpleOwl, I might just knit a gigantic sign and wave it from a broomstick. If they ignore the flag on the broomstick, I stick the broomstick up their arses.
Done, lila, I’m going to nude up for the Mormons next time they call!
Fen, I’d like to go to Doorknocking Academy to work out how they teach people to be so insistent.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Either knit a sign, or raise some heads on spikes (make sure their ID tags are in plain view).
An oldie but a goodie.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Mrs harps always suggests opening the door while nudded up to the religious nutters (but I believe, and I do have absolute faith in this, that anyone’s who’s even remotely religious or even worse, spiritual, is a nutter). See comment I just left on previous post about Morons and the dressing gown.
My favourite when they start asking for bills etc is to says that Mrs harps looks after all that, I don’t know where she keeps them, and nope, I have no idea when she’ll be home. If you’re not in a live-in relationship, it won’t hurt to have an imaginary friend (cat, dog or teddy bear) who deals with all that imporant paperwork.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Let the hounds do their worst.
October 24th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Mr J does a fine job with “no English, no English” and shutting the door…even though he was just speaking English fluently in front of them. We also do something similar to the Harps household with noone taking responsibility for decisions/bills etc. Small yapping dogs that are not told to be quiet also keep visits to a minimum
Like the head on spikes idea though!
October 24th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I find two barking dogs work with the Mormons. They never linger on my doorstep long enough to notice the wagging tails and that the barking is excited anticipation of new best friends.
I have also fobbed off cable TV salesmen with the story that “hubby goes to the pub” to watch sport.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Ah, lila, the heads on sticks idea is the perfect panacea for a world stuck in a group hugging and negotiating funk.
comradeharps, you and Mrs Harps have a great good nude cop/bad nude cop thing going. I think my first tactic is to get a peephole so I can see when nutters are at the door or when I might be terrifying my poor neighbours when they drop by.
I’m on it Foodycat! All nutters get a spray of olive oil and chicken stock and the terrible twosome will devour them … except the heads, as I need to put them on sticks.
Mr Jazz made me laugh :-). I’ll send you a photo of my row of heads on sticks along the garden path!
Cat’s Mother, lovely to hear from you :-). So I have cable television salespeople to fear as well … I’m going out tomorrow as they’re a whole new breed of persistence.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Plan X:
Answer the door in your Order of Crankypants snuggie (liberally bedecked with pet hair), carrying the Staff of Crankypants (AKA broomstick with knitted flag) and flanked by the Slavering, Salesperson-eating Familiars of Crankypants (AKA the furry people of your house, riled up by your offers of treats before you open the door). Then agree to listen to whatever the invader has to say … as long as they’ll listen to your full reading of the LOLcat bible (www.lolcatbible.com) first.
The powers of Ceiling Cat will protect you.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Yeahhhhh, calling in the all mighty powers of the Ceiling Kitteh and LOLcat bible … now we have an all-encompassing plan for both thwarting the people at the door AND TAKING OVER THE UNIVERSE MWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA