Christmas with Penny Miller
Every now and then, a stealthy catalogue distributor skulks the streets when people are at work and deposits the ‘Innovations’ home shopping junk mail on doorsteps. I’m fortunately still at the stage of life I don’t need a set of customisable bunion pads or a replica cuckoo clock so I leave the plastic wrapped mound of crap in the doorway and try not to bust my bottom slipping over until the bloody thing is taken away.
This week the Penny Miller Christmas catalogue was waiting patiently when I got home from a less-than-fun-day at the saltmines. I don’t know if Penny Miller is a real person or a marketing department creation to sound homely and trustworthy to people who buy crap, but the cover caught even my sceptical eye: ‘Don’t throw me away.’ Oh, okay, thankfully I had been beaten about the head with blunt instruments at work and obedience was the path of least resistance.
The plastic tree-shaped lolly holder on the cover caught my eye for its sheer shithousedness. Who has time to pick the best – or worst, if you don’t like your guests — lollies from an assorted bag and spear them on a plastic tree? It would always be winter at my house because I’d pick the tree dry every time I walked past the table.
Source: Penny Miller
It got better. I wish I had to buy Christmas presents for people I hated because it’s a gold mine of passive aggressive gifty shit. The savoury version of the plastic food tree is adorned with cornichons. Who the fuck has the inclination to rip baby gherkins out of a jar, dab them bone dry because no one wants little cukes dripping on the other savouries, and impale them like proud little frog penises? I almost started crying for the catalogue stylist who has to create these displays for the photographer.
Source: Penny Miller
I’ve crapped on about crosswords on toilet roll wrapping in the past, but Penny and her gang of whacky funsters have put the poo in Sudoku. Look for yourself while I have another breakdown about bacteria, where to locate pens and visitors hogging the dunny for hours.
Source: Penny Miller
Done in the toilet? Have a shower and amuse your feet with big foot bath mats. Ha de bloody ha ha, I nearly peed my pants laughing at the hilarity of putting my wet tootsies on foot-shaped towels. Genius!
Source: Penny Miller
My heart goes to the copy writer trying to flog these green shaggy dog slippers that you skid around the house in to collect dust and fluff. No, I’m sure there isn’t an easier way to climb your hardwood floor either, because everyone I know with a hardwood floor has a pair for each member of the family. And if they don’t, I’m buying them all a pair because they’re missing out on the fun of skidding under dining tables and chairs while trying not to snap their spines.
Source: Penny Miller
I hark back to cheap imported products like this when I worry about the state of our planet. If we have the resources cheaply available to manufacture so much superfluous junk, perhaps Earth has plenty of energy left. Damn crazy scientist telling us otherwise; sit down, shut up and have a snack from the plastic tree.
Crank-o-meter: cranky santa pants
November 29th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Where did they get the lurid teal cocktail onions from, I wonder?
November 29th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I love it!…I want to be added to the mailing list.
November 30th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Foodycat, have you ever had the cocktail onion ‘traffic lights’? Red, green and ‘natural’ uncoloured cocktail onions speared on a toothpick?
You are a sick lady, Megs. I’d give you mine but it’s being collected tomorrow!
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
I have a frient with those bathmats <:-( I swear my IQ drops 5 points when I wash my hands at his basin.
What a waste of the earth’s finite resources. Imagine insectoid archelogists aeons from now finding these things embedded in sedimentary rock, grinding their mandibles together and shaking their antennae at the astounding stupidity and stupendous bad taste that these things represent.
AND they’re shithouse.
December 4th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Are you serious, lila? Someone bought a set? And uses them? Fark.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Read your blog about Penny Miller products. Wondered if you could help me by telling Australians who work for Penny Miller what cud be install for them. Penny Miller Ltd (based Sydney) have closed their NZ division who sold more than than their counterparts in Australia. NZ workers have been left in limbo and are waiting to see if they still have a job even tho they should be working now. PM is closing their best market so how long will it be before they close Aussie land and leave their workers in limbo and shit like the kiwis
January 27th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Penny Miller is a dodgy company that will not look after staff, customers and sell utter crap…. WARNING DO NOT BUY OR SELL THEIR GOODS THEY ARE CRAP!!! You will not get any money either by working for them or buying their goods if you are returning them.
FALSE ADVERTISING ABOUT THE JOB DESCRIPTIONS!
January 29th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Can’t argue with the selling of utter crap.
If any more comments come in regarding this post, please explain reasons for frustration and anger rather than blanket fury — I’m not inclined towards lawyers contacting me to chat about defamation. But reasonable and justified criticism: go for it.
January 30th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I work for Penny miller part time, its not as bad as you think working for them, its great exercise. People buy alot of stuff so even tho it might be crap people cant resist and keep buying.
January 31st, 2009 at 9:51 am
Hi Trudy, thanks for commenting. Our local deliverer jogs around with the catalogues in a pram. Do you have people who buy from every catalogue or more seasonally?
I can’t believe this thread has more comments than any other in a year of doing this. I might retire and stick to reviewing Penny Miller catalogues when they arrive …
January 31st, 2009 at 7:43 pm
hmmm have you heard of writting a note and saying do not deliver so u dont have to get the so called crap???? its not that hard not meaning to be nasty just sayin cause thats what people do when they dont ever wanna get them.
you dont want it then say so cause if u throw it they will just drop it off again and if you leave it out same thing.
i make great money with them never had a problem. great exercise and what trudy said is true
February 1st, 2009 at 10:04 am
Point taken, but I don’t have the energy or a big piece of cardboard on which to write, “No Penny Miller, supermarket, bottle shop, Big W, K-Mart, real estate, Innovations, Reject or other crap-ware shop junk mail. I would like Myer, JB Hi-Fi, Tupperware and the local papers. K, thx, bi.”
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:24 am
Well Nicole you are just one of those real fussy people with no junk mail on there letter box, i must point out tho Penny Miller is not classed as Junk mail it has been checked and approved by australia post!
Maybe you shouldn’t worry about the big sign saying all the things you don’t want a just a small sign saying bills only!!!
February 2nd, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I’ve left several notes please don’t deliver to this address…… But they always do, only because they have a high turnover of distributors that you never get the same one twice! Even when you have a sign saying no junk mail they still deliver…. why is that????
February 4th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Hi Nicole you have no idea about what you are crapping on about i would like to know how much you earn per week. i have been with the company for about 4 and a half years. if you dont like the stuff dont buy it but dont knock people for having a dig and earning a dollar. you probably sit on your ass on the dole all day. and miss annoyed you must not have done the job. if you work you get paid. dont talk utter crap get a life all you sad sad people.
February 4th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Shane, I’ll admit to having no idea when you admit you didn’t properly read what I wrote. I work for the government, which you would know if you read the blog and not come running in defence of your job, which I was not attacking. I was having a go at the cheap, mass-produced shit in the catalogue. Regardless, wear sunscreen when you’re out delivering catalogues and bugger off with the misplaced defensiveness.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:29 pm
[...] years of Pink Ink and two years of crankypants have amounted to being known for a single blog entry on peddlers of plastic trees to pierce fucking cocktail onions and someone who thinks gout is a physical and sexual entity. A bottle of gin and I will be taking a [...]